Do I believe in God?

It's weird how so many of my "deep thoughts" come from things I see on the internet.

I'm not religious.  I'm not an atheist.  I'm not agnostic. 

I'm different.

I guess you can say that I have believed in a god.  A higher power.  I went through a few spiritual moments in my life- but I admit that I've never "had god" in my life.  I grew up loosely as a Jehovah's Witness but that never really took with me.  Maybe because it didn't make sense, although some of it did.  Maybe because I was too selfish, because I was. 

One branch of my family were heavy "pot smoking jesus freaks".  Yes, that's what I called them when I was a kid- because it just seemed weird to me.  I don't use that term anymore, but I think it felt more like a fan club than a religion.  I was into Duran Duran, but I didn't talk about Simon LeBon all the time. 

Also, they were pot smokers, and to my young eyes, that was illegal- and you can't be a good Christian when you are blatantly doing illegal stuff. 

Into my adulthood I had friends that went to church regularly.  Some spoke of religion as it was something they did, but didn't try to push it on me.  I could respect whatever you do on Sunday as long as you live up to it the rest of the week.  I didn't always see that.  I was engaging in premarital sex- lots of it, and so therefore god wouldn't accept me.  I think I felt that I wasn't good enough for god so I simply ignored it and thought maybe someday I would get to that line on my list of things to do.  Travel, have children, mop the floors, find god.  Just like that.

When my late husband was alive and addicted, I found a higher power that indeed saved my sanity.  I needed it, so I found it.  I needed him and he was there.  Or maybe that's what I tell myself because it worked.  Its so convenient that god will be there when you need him, and when you don't- he'll wait.  Then when you need him again, there he is.  He always answers when you call and if you don't call, he's still watching.  He's always there if you seek him.  Perhaps god is really the biggest doormat ever. 

I believe in facts and science and miracles.  I believe in faith, and in some ways I believe that people coming together in prayer and meditation does create a certain energy.  I am always calmed in houses of worship, even if I am not worshipping.  I think prayer or meditation is a good thing if it centers your mind and brings down your heart rate and helps you sleep at night. 

Do I believe in god?  I don't know.  The "proof" that people claim can usually be explained by science.  Sometimes crazy things happen.  People survive when they shouldn't.  But people also die when they shouldn't.  I have known and seen the most devout and good Christian woman die from cancer at a young age.  That was when I decided, "if there is a god, he's a jerk and I really don't want to subscribe to that magazine anymore." 

I do believe that religion is a way to control the masses.  Laws bigger than the laws of the land.  For that, I guess I'm somewhat grateful.  However, whose god are we talking about?  Different cultures pray to different gods, and if we are to assume that there is only one- then that means that an enormous chunk of the human race is "godless" because they were not born where THAT god ruled supreme.  Or perhaps there are a few different gods.  You can believe in god A, B or C- but stay the fuck away from D or E cause if you do- you're going to hell.  Ok, but nobody believes in gods A-C in some parts of the world, so I guess those people are fucked right?  Sorry, bad genetics, worse geography, not enough google searches for "the one true god." 

It's confusing and frustrating and sometimes frightening. 

 I figured I shouldn't bother believing if I wasn't going to do it "right."  Therefore, I'm fucked because I don't know what's right.  A few years back, I came to an understanding that perhaps God doesn't expect that I know everything.  That it's ok that I question.  That I don't have to be perfect to believe or doubt my beliefs. That helped.  I still don't know that I believe though.  However, I suspect when I need him, he'll be there.  Until then, he will wait.  Doormat.