my hopes

My son is 18 today.  18.  wow.  When the hell did that happen???

What a strange thing to think that I have an ADULT son.  Legally adult, he still acts like is about 12 sometimes.  I'm wondering what my mother thought about when her oldest child turned 18, or even her youngest.

He is with his Dad in Arizona today.  I wish he was here.  I'd take him to the movies like we do every year for his birthday (except we last year- for some reason) and we'd go out to lunch.  He's a good kid.  We have good talks and enjoy each others company about as much as a mother and son can.

He's going off to the Marine Corps this summer.  I've said this before.  I think today, as I sit here- that is starting to feel pretty real for me.  He's planning to go to Winter Formal this year, then Prom.  then his high school graduation.  Then.... whew...  where did the time go?

I hope I raised him right.  I hope that I taught him what he needs to know, or that he learned it somewhere else.  So far, he's a good kid.  He doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs.  He doesn't party or even womanize. He respects women and his elders.  He does ok in school and admits that he could do a little better in English if he didn't hate it so much.

I just hope that the lessons I gave him will make him strong enough for the lessons he will learn on his own.

I hope I taught him how to be brave when he's scared.  How to stand up for himself when he's pushed.  How to fight the fights that are worth fighting, not just the ones you can win.  I hope he knows that I won't always be happy with the choices he makes, but that I will always love him.

I hope he knows that while I can't always help him- I will wish that I could.  I hope that I didn't expose him to too many of the bad things in life, but that I didn't shelter him too much.  I love that he is optimistic but not delusional about the world.

I hope that he travels, but always comes back to visit.
I hope that he loves, but realizes that love takes work.
I hope that he has a family someday, but not any time soon.

I hope he knows how proud I am of him, despite the numerous mistakes I made.  I hope he knows I did the best that I knew how.


How Facebook changed my view of high school.

"...high school hasn't changed. There's still that one teacher who marches to her own drummer. Those girls are still there, the ones that, even as you grow up, will remain the most beautiful girls you have ever seen close up. The smart kids, who everyone else knew as 'the brains,' but I just knew them as my soul mates, my teachers, my friends. And there's still that one guy with his mysterious confidence who seems so perfect in every way. The guy you get up and go to school for in the morning. ... High school would not have been the same without him. I would not be the same without him. "

One of the things I love about social media is how it connected me with so many people.  Back in 2008, when my 20 year reunion came around, I started reconnected with people from high school.  As the reuniion approached, people showed up back in my life that I had not even thought about in YEARS.

People who I shared classes with, bus trips, lunches, dance performances, and so much laughter.  When I was IN high school I was too busy being- I don't know, indifferent.  I'd like to think I was nice enough to everyone, but in some ways I was too into my own thing to know too much about other peoples issues.  People had thoughts about me- thought I was a big slut, WAY before I actually was.  I never confirmed or denied it.  Maybe I played into it a bit.  I don't know- I don't even care anymore.

But now, I log into facebook- TWENTY FIVE years later and I see my them as my old friends.  I see how their relationships bloom, how their children grow, how they raise their pets, what they do for fun.  How they celebrate their lives and their successes and I share in that- as they share in mine.  I wonder what they think of me now.  How they view my life, as 'nontraditional' as it is.  I wonder if they envy parts of my life, the way I envy parts of theirs.

Some of us have kids who graduated last year, or like me- will graduate THIS year.  And I wonder, how did we get to be THIS age?  We struggle with health issues, health care, unemployment, broken down cars.  We discuss politics, religion and how we're gonna afford to take that vacation.  We share recipes, and pictures of the trouble we got into when we were finally able to get away for the night.

Its strange that these connection are just as important to me now as they were when I was in school.  "We're friends on Facebook..." seems so vague and simple.

But that means that I know where they went on vacation.  I know what they do for a living.  I know if they drink wine.  I know if they have kids, or a pet, or both.  I know when they get promoted, and when a beloved friend of family member dies.  I know when they've had a bad day, or when they want to crawl in bed and sleep for the rest of the week.  I have learned things about them now, that make things back THEN make more sense.  I can look backwards with fondness, taking joy in the rich lives we have created for ourselves.  Knowing for certain that high school was a mere snapshot of our lives.  It was barely a glim,pse of what we would become.  What I know now, is BETTER than what I remember about high school.  We're better now.  We're real people- not just teenagers trying to figure out how to get thru the next few years so we can start being real people.

I enjoy it so much.  It makes my world bigger.


Randomness and Glee

I've been catching up on my sleep lately.  Either that, or I'm just globally tired.  Two nights ago I was up too late- and I came home from worh the next day, instructed the minions on thier homework and then I went to take a nap.  It was 5:30.  I woke up at 10:30. 

Thankfully I have a teenager who knows how to handle it when mom 'just aint right.'  Last night I didn't sleep much and today when I came home I did the same.  Luckily only the teenager was home and I fell asleep, for 3 and a half hours.

I'm glad I woke up in time for Glee.

I'll never tire of this song.  What a great season premier that was!  Rachel seems to be singing with a little more feeling, or they are letting her sing songs with more heart I guess.  And the new girl, Marlee?  yeah, she's got a great voice and I'm going to enjoy listening to her this season.

SR doesn't GET Glee.  He seems bothered by the way they just break into song.  Well, it's a musical- that's what they are supposed to do.  The story line would be pretty boring without the songs.  I tried to explain it to him, it's like porn.  They take the sex scenes and work a strory line around it.  The story line isn't FANTASTIC, but the point is not the story line- it's the sex.  Same with musicals.  It's about the music, that's why they call it that.

Still doesn't get it.  That's ok- I don't get Sci-fi either.

I had no clue Kate Hudson could sing and dance.  She was in another musical I didn't see- so that's why I didn't know.  I swear she's probably one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.  Malibu Rum and fruit in a blender?  I wonder how that tastes?  Right now I'm sitting here drinking a nice plastic glass of Hawaiian punch.  It doesn't have the same kick.

Looking forward to the weekend.  SR is working this weekend again so I have Saturday and possible Sunday day to myself.  I only need a few hours to myself to recharge before I start missing him and the girls. They are over 4 nights a week, intermittently, so I admit time alone with him, or time to myself is appreciated.  I'm making a mental list of chores I can get done that I have been staring at for a while.  I have a box of goodwill clothes to take, a box of kitchen stuff that has gone unpacked for about..... 7 months now.  Floors to mop and sheets to wash.  Oh my life, so glamorous.


My beloved iPad

I'm blogging in bed, from my iPad. Seriously this is the best electronic device I own. It's also an incredible time waster and something I need to be careful not to let get out of hand.

I got it for Xmas this past year and it's been a lovely romance ever since. Like all good romances, you have to let it run it's course and then settle into something workable for everyday life.

When I know I've got a busy day at work, I'll leave it at home. I hate doing it- but it's my weakness. I hear the notifications and it's hard not to check and see whats going on. Perhaps one of my zoo animals has an egg that has hatched, or my dragon habitat is filled with cash- which means if I don't collect, I'm wasting time that could be in actively spent making more money. It might be a sale on decorations in my Snoopy Street Fair. Or maybe my soldiers are done training and its timw to battle. Sometimes it's my turn on Words with Friends. There's so many things it might be- and it's hard not to find out. So once I open it up and collect my dragon money- well, I may as well check everything else too- right?

All of my games can take me up to an hour to play. An HOUR!! You can see why I sometimes leave it at home.

However, it can be handy at work. I will take it to meetings with me and use the Notes application to take notes. The to do lists and the calendar are great features.

Not to mention firing up Google latitude so I can make sure my son made it to school ok- or that SR got the spawn to school on time. Really- how did I ever live without it? I mean look, here it is-12:30AM and I'm blogging with SR is asleep next to me.

However I DO need to slow this relationship down a bit. It is causing too much distraction at work- and I often lose focus and self discipline is not one of my strong suits. I'll admit to that. So tomorrow I plan to leave my beloved at home. Or at least just turn the sound off so those pesky/ wonderful notifications are less of a distraction. It won't be easy. I will have to really try hard.

And if it's too much of a struggle- there's always my iPHONE!!!

One vice at a time- ok??


A Young Marine??

So the teenager has decided he wants to join the USMC. 

It's not an overnight decision by any means, he's been talking about it since he was 12.  My older brother was a Marine for 22 years and the teen was always inspired by him.  When he told me, at age 12 he wants to be a Marine like his uncle, I smiled and said, "Well it's a long way off."  The teenager hasn't stayed interested in anything BUT this, (and girls) for more than a few months.  As he got older and kept talking about it, I slowly came to the realization that this might just be what he really and truly wants to do.  He's excited about it, he even has a USMC Poster on his wall.  He's NEVER hung a poster on his wall before.

For me, well, as I visited the recruiter and signed a consent for him to start the process, it's somewhat bitter sweet.  I am so glad that he's thinking about his future.  I'm one that supports the military, and supports that they do something that NOT everyone would want to do.  As a mother of sons, it's one of those things I've always somewhat considered, since my brother did it.  I don't believe that it should always be "someone else's kid" that goes.  If my son(s) decide that is the choice they want to make, then I will support it- you know assuming that thier reasons are sincere and logical and it's not just "I don't know what else to do- so I guess I'll join the military."

For the teenager, he gave me some pretty good reasons for wanting to join.  About self respect, self reliance, self discipline.  I can't exactly put down those things.  It almost brought tears to my eyes, the realization that he's grown up so much and making decisions for himself.  I know that if I reject the idea, in 3 months when he turns 18, he'll do it anyway.  I'd rather not put that kind of wall between us, if this is something he really wants to do. 

I'm proud of him for not taking the easy way.  And yes, I do somewhat consider going to college, the easy way.  Not that college is easy, but when compared with spending the first six months of the Marines in intense training, and the first THREE of those months- so intense that I can't even imagine it.  Yes, college seems easy.  Especially for the teenager who has breezed through school and can give "C" effort to get A's.  In college teachers don't care that much if you don't show up, if you fail or if you squeak by.  Sure they care, they are educators, but the only life you're hurting is your own.  In the Marines, well, attempting to squeak by can get you or others killed. 

I'm also kind of sad.  I'm sad to think that this year could be his last year at home.  That after he graduates high school and goes to BootCamp, he's not JUST my son anymore.  His responsibilities will go far beyond even my craziest moments as his mother.  So it makes me sad, as the selfish mom thinking that her boy is gonna go away and come back a man.  Bittersweet for sure.  I'm sure my range of emotions about this will go back and forth for the next several months.  I'm prepared for that.

As a mother of sons, my job is to raise them to leave the nest and go out and start thier own lives and families.  I like to think I've done a decent job with the teenager so far, and I admit that his ADHD came in handy back when I was working so hard to hide him from all the crap that went on with his step dad.  However, I worry- what if it wasn't enough.  What if I didn't teach him enough? 

I guess the Marines will fill the gaps, huh?


Yes we can. Are you sure??

Last night a commercial for that movie 2016 came on TV.  The one that says Obama is a bad guy. 

Now I've been an Obama supporter since the beginning.  I admit it.  His speeches inspired me, and continue to do so.  I don't have political conversations with SR because he is NOT an Obama supporter.  This doesn't mean he's a republican, cause he's not.  When the commercial came on I was engaged in something (I think it was DragonVale) and I looked up and groaned. 

He said to me, rather emphatically, "You'd discount someones RESEARCH purely on your bias towards Obama?  Don't you think you should at least CONSIDER the research." 

I shrugged off the conversation- tried to avoid it really because I do not like talking politics with SR.  He has strong opinions and while mine are not STRONG, I know what I feel and believe it or not, I think the country could USE some inspiration.  I did some silent thinking on it though, and this morning when I logged on to the internet I was poking around at all the different things you can find that talk about what a crisis this country is in.  It was these two things that popped up on my twitter feed:


You can see more of Daryl Cagles Cartoons and Commentary here. 

There's also different things I've seen about people in student load debt who can't find work.  People in GENERAL who can't find work.  So many people I know struggle getting by, employable, educated people who should be able to find a job or people WITH jobs who are scraping by.  Gas prices going up, food prices going up, quality of life going down.  Health care, don't get me started.  As a health care professional, I am FOR socialized health care- but I don't know all the details.  In theory, it seems as if people had to be responsible for thier health care- the overall cost would go down due to preventative maintenence and less emergency medicine.  Uninsured patients simply COST more to care for because often their medicat situations are so bad because it's gone untreated for so long.  What does socialized healthcare mean?  Well it means increased prices for the rest of us.  I get that.  It hits small businesses HARD, and this is America, we should not be penalized for starting companies.  I don't know all the ins and outs of what socialized medicine should be.  However I know it works in some countries, and in those countries, nobody goes into bankrupcy because someone got sick. 

In some ways I still live in a bubble.  I look at how MY life is affected.  Well, I have two jobs right now and one of them I can do from my home.  Yes, I have a boatload of student loans and while I don't know how long it will take me to pay them off- it's nice to know that I can al least make a paltry effort to pay them back.  However, I know what it's like to scrape by.  I know what it's like to NOT eat, so my kids can eat.  I know what it's like to have to decide if I'm going to put gas in my car or have money for two more days of food.  It sucks.  And there are lots of people who are going through it.  Far too many people who should, for all intents and purposes, be able to find enough work to get by- can't.

So this country is not in a great place.  I can look around and see that.  Perhaps I'm TOO patriotic and think "This is America, it will all work out."  I'm mildly offended by people who say "America sucks, I'm moving to another country."  Yeah, go ahead. 

The commercial last night, and actually taking a look at just the few things I could find in a half hour lets me know that maybe the inspirational talks are not enough.  Somewhere there's some policies that are not right.  Programs started by the current administration that have fucked things up for all of us.  Do I blame the president?  No.  I understand enough to know that as the President there's only so much you can do.  However, he should be accountable for something right? 

I won't vote republican, mainly because of thier gay hating, wanting to control my vagina thought processes.  I don't fly on that wing.  However, perhaps I should take a deeper look at the administration that I DO support.  It's hard to find reliable information because each side paints a very ugly picture of the other side. 

I don't know that it willl make me WANT to have a political conversation with SR- but if I get roped into one, at least maybe I can have a better answer than, "I dunno."



A lot of people don't know what polyamory is.  Some may view it like polygamy, what's that show- Sisterwives?  Well, it's not really like that- at leat not for us. 

For the intent and purpose of MY life, poly is- by definition "Many loves."  (I think that's latin and italian mixed)  This means that we are capable of being in more than one loving relationship.  It doesn't mean we go sleeping around- we do not identify as swingers, so keep that in mind before anyone makes assumptions.  Of course, I know very little about swingers- maybe they are also loving relationships- but in MY limited knowledge, I think swinging it's just a sex thing.  So we engage in loving relationships with other people. 

Some people have what is considered "open poly" where all members are involved with other people outside the group.  For example, lets say that SR (my Dominant and partner) and I are also involved with another girl.  SR has a different girl he sees, I may have a different guy I see, and the other girl may be seeing two other people.  And all of THOSE people might be seeing other people.  That is an example of 'open' poly.  This works well for some people.  They are free to love as many and as often as thier lives can hold.  We don't do open poly. 

We are a closed poly family.  We engage with each other.  If SR finds someone who strikes his fancy, he can get to know her, and maybe get involved with her, or perhaps introduce me to her and maybe I will like her too.  Maybe not.  I am not forced to engage with his other partners if I choose not to.  Can I have another partner?  Well, that's where the DOMINANT part of our relationship comes in.  I know if I met someone that I REALLY liked and REALLY wanted to get to know- I could ask and it might be ok for me to engage in a relationship outside of the core relationship, or core group as it were.  Is it something I want?  Well, not really.  Sure it might be nice to have a boyfriend-y type person to hang out with- but I am perfectly happy right now.  Maybe later I will change my mind, but it's not what I really want right now.

I may or may not talk about the people we see, but there is a core group right now consisting of two other partners in our "house."  I'll use blog speak and refer to them as G2 and G3.  (girl2 and girl3)  For fun I like to refer to them and 2 and 3.  He is Dominant to all of us, although my 'role' is a bit deeper as we have been together longer, and we live and share a life together.  I am close to and in a relationship with G2.  I am just starting to really get to know G3.

Ask me any questions you might have.  I'm willing to answer them.  I don't advertise my life to my family or my co-workers, mainly because it isn't really anyones business.  I don't ask you about your sex life- I just ask how your weekend was.  My core family I refer to as my partners.  Not my boyfriend and my girlfriend, but my partners.  We spend time together, have meals, go shopping, watch TV and all the things that regular couples do, but it's more than just the two of us. 

It may seem weird, but it's not weird to me.  I enjoy having another girl around to talk to- someone to help me around the house, cooking meals and stuff.  I love it when they come over and make dinner.  I was surprised at how NOT weird it was.  I am a loving person, believe it or not.  I do believe it's possible to love more than one person.  Actually, I know it for a fact.  So why not celebrate that? 

It isn't always easy.  I won't lie.  There are days that I want to spend time with SR on our own.  There's time when I'd rather not have people over.  There are times when I have to give up his attention because he is spending time with the other girls.  Jealousy exists in poly.  What matters is how I act about it.  I could throw a fit and pout and act like a total bitch about it, or I can suck it up and deal- because in the end- he and I are in a committed relationship and there is no reason for me to feel jealous.  If I am thinking logically, I know this and I can relax about it and not feel slighted or left out.  By allowing him to have the other relationships that make him happy, I am showing him love- and that love comes back to me in return.  It's made me a stronger person, and more confident in myself. 

G2 came over tonight for a very short visit.  Too short for my liking, but she was tired and needed some sleep.  Even still, just a few minutes to see her and give her a hug and a kiss left SR and I feeling good and happy. 

It's not perfect, but we love our life and the people in it only add to that love.

One more time, with feeling....

Yes, I'm starting again.  For like the 5th time. 

So much has happened and every time I start again it feels new.  So I'll probably post a ton here in the beginning because I have this ego that thinks that people NEED to catch up with me.  Even though thanks to social media, I'm not sure what you don't already know from Facebook, Twitter or anywhere else I write or update. 

So my husband died in May.  May 26th to be exact.  We had not been living together for about 10 months.  He was really sick for a long time, if you remember.  He wasn't getting better and his self care was questionable, at best.  In the end his demons were his demise and he died of a drug overdose.  It's sad, and while I mourned- when I found out the actual cause of death, my mourning pretty much stopped.  Since then I have also stopped "seeing him" or "feeling his presence"- which sort of freaked me out in the first place. 

It's funny how closure comes to you.  It came to me in the form of an addendum made on a death certificate. 

Now, with that part of my life very much  behind me- I can focus all of my life and love where it is better deserved.

I'm living with a wonderful man, who is my Dominant (see: 50 shades of Gray and add a little more reality).  I probably won't discuss THAT aspect of my life here in too much detail.  Well, I say that but if you know me, you know that everything I write about has lots of detail.  But either way, this blog won't be about that- not just about that.

We live together with my three kids, and his kid.  The teenager, the minions and the spawn. 

And we are poly.  (see: Polyamory) 

My life is not all about spankings, group sex, and video games. 

Oh, and we have a dog.  (see photo above)

My life is about me, and the people I love and how we interact and how we live, learn and grow.  I have finally added "growing" to the things I'm actually DOING. 

So if you have been a reader for a long time, stop and say hello.