What I believe....

So there's this new song called "You Say" and it's a lovely song.  The girl who sings it is a new artist and she has a stellar voice.  She reminds me of Adele, and I could listen to that voice for days.  Except....  there's a verse in this song that makes me cringe. 

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh you say that I am yours
And I believe

 

Pretty right?  Lovely song, lovely sentiment. And then this part....

 

The only thing that matters now is everything you think of me
In you I find my worth, in you I find my identity

 

Wait.  Hold up.  STOP.  Those two sentences I find really scary and dangerous and HARMFUL.  to anyone really.  I can say this because I've been there.  I've felt that way.  And that's just co-dependent DISASTER.  You simply should not, and CANNOT think this way.  You can't tie your self worth to someone else's opinion of you.  Not your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your parents, your best friend.  Don't do it.  I had to learn the hard way, that my worth is not dependent on someone else's opinion of me.  I had to learn to divorce myself from caring so much about what others thought of me, and believe me, that was NOT easy for me.  I fell in love and fell into co-dependency.  In two different scenarios and both were equally damaging for me.  I encourage everyone to divorce themselves from that kind of thinking.  I understand what it is to be in love, and what it is for it to matter what the person you love thinks about you- but here's the thing.  If and when that relationship changes, or hits hard times, or even ends- then what?  What are you left with?  I remember times in my life, not even knowing who I was because of that very thing.  If he doesn't love me, do I even exist.  What am I supposed to do if I'm not his caretaker?  If he doesn't want me, then I may as well just die.  If I'm not his wife, then who am I? 

 

Don't get me wrong, I do not knock the idea behind the lyrics, because she means well. She is/was (that may be changing) a Christian artist so when she is talking about 'you' she is talking about God.  Knowing THAT, I can listen to the song and understand and feel ok.  I am shaky on my religious beliefs, but I can understand how this song, about God, can really get someone thru a tough time.   However, it plays like a love song.  Until I did my research, I thought it WAS a love song.  I would bet that most people think it's a love song.  And I'm imagining young girls listening to this song and dedicating it to their boyfriends. 

 

And to that I say, stop.  Don't follow that path towards giving away your self worth to someone else.  It's too big a responsibility and people are flawed.  I think even the most well intentioned person cannot reasonable take on the enormous task of holding someone else's entire self worth.  It's a trap.  It's a suckers bet.  Imagine that you are this well intentioned keeper of my worth.  I am fragile and rely on you to tell me if I'm a good person but I'm bound to make mistakes.  If you get angry with me, it will crush me.  So you are somewhat trapped.  If you break me, you're the villain.  I am pretty much free from all blame.  I would be better, if you guided me better.  The ability to blame YOU for all my shortcomings is right there.  You don't want that.  And ultimately, when you tire of the responsibility, you will hand it back to me- and I don't know what the hell to do with it- that's why I gave it to you in the first place.  And yes, I've been right there.  Not knowing what to do with myself because if the ONE person that gave me meaning no longer wants me- then I have nothing. 

 

I have had nothing.  More than once. 

 

I won't ever let myself be in that place again.  Not ever.  I love The Man.  More than anything, and sometimes I wear my self-reliance as a shield, and it's something that I constantly work on to find balance.  What he thinks of me matters, the same with my parents, my friends, my kids etc.  However, my self worth is not tied to those opinions.  My self worth comes from who I know I am.  What I know I am capable of.  My beliefs, my loyalties, my sense of integrity.

 

I decide what I'm worth.